In light of recent events I feel like I should share my secret technique for not killing myself. I’m unfortunately a Malcolm Gladwell Outlier of not killing myself since I have actually had suicidal thoughts nearly every day since I was five years old. I have a joke where I talk about and make light of the situation but in reality it sucks more ass than anything I can readily think of.
Some days it’s easy to not kill myself. I tell the voice in my head encouraging me to do so to go fuck its self, get out of bed and go make a day of it.
Other days are much, much harder. On the days where the voice in my head seems to really have a good point about what a worthless pile of human shit I am and how no one would give one fuck if I died, I have to resort to my last line of defense which is doing absolutely nothing.
I don’t go buy that gun. I don’t go eat a bottle of pills. I don’t get a rope or a razor blade. I don’t go find a bridge to leap off of. I don’t, in fact, do anything at all but sit and/or lay there until the feelings pass. If it was possible to wish yourself dead then I would have been dead thousands of times over.
Now I know that I should probably reach out to people or call a hot line or some such but to be perfectly honest the same feelings that make me feel worthless make those other things next to impossible. But it’s totally possible to just do nothing. It’s pretty much the easiest thing to do.
It’s not pleasant by any means. Frankly, it’s fucking horrible. But it beats the shit out of being dead.
I suppose it might fail if you just sat there for days and days. I can’t speak to that since I usually start to come up from the deep hole after a day or so.
I am not encouraging anyone to do this. It should be your last option. Try everything that has worked for you first. If they don’t do the trick, then I suggest you find a semi comfortable place to just be fucking horribly sad for as long as you need to be. Trust me when I tell you it’s way, way better than the alternative.
